Terra Nova is not terrible

                Pilots for sci-fi dramas like Terra Nova will always suffer in comparison to Lost.  But all a viewer can realistically expect is for an engaging 2 hours while the sledgehammer of plot is dropped on their heads over and over.  With 15 characters to introduce only AFTER we spend the first hour of the episode getting the main characters to Terra Nova, it’s no wonder the whole thing felt a little rushed.

                The story begins in 2149 where the world has been nearly destroyed by pollution and people have to breathe through masks.  The CGI backgrounds do a pretty good job showing the ugliness of the current day.   Our heroes are the Shannon family. Father Jim is a cop and Mother Elisebeth is a doctor.  In this episode they are portrayed as almost superhuman in their goodness and righteousness.  Hopefully, they will be allowed to be a little rounded as the series continues.   Jim is put in jail for the crime of having too many children (see, this family’s love cannot be bounded by things like LAWS).   Elisebeth is given the opportunity to pilgrimage to Terra Nova due to her status as a doctor (a nice touch, having the female lead be the valuable one) with her two legal children.  To get Jim and the youngest child  to go with them involves breaking out of a maximum security prison with a laser scalpel, bribing someone to put the girl in a backpack and forge some documents, and simply stroll though a time portal.  Easy, peasy right?  It is if you are Batman, and Jim is just the man to fill the cowl.  The story breezes over these complications using the family’s unshaken confidence in Jim’s ability.  “Dad will make it,” is a pretty common refrain.  (IRONIC SPOILER ALERT) Dad and youngest daughter do make it, and avoid any real repercussions on the other side.  

not bad considering we were all criminals a half an hour ago

                The third quarter of the episode introduces the rest of the primary cast.  We have the tough but fair Commander Taylor; his head of security, Guzman; and various other inhabitants of Terra Nova.  Oh yeah, there are dinosaurs too.  The first “money shot” of the dinos happens when the youngest daughter is feeding a giant, gentle beast.   

Twice the vicious “slashers” terrorize the humans.  I assume they are a made-up beast with the cunning and pack mentality of a raptor from Jurassic Park, but twice the size.  

 

                Aside from the survival story that is the heart of the show, there are several sub-plots introduced.  The Sixers are humans from the sixth pilgrimage who are renegades with their own mysterious agenda, the Commander’s missing son, mysterious cave drawings outside the walls of Terra Nova, and a different, more sinister purpose for the whole colony.  Time will only tell if these subplots are like the Lost polar bear, or if they actually go somewhere.

                The show has no name actors, at least that I recognized, which works in its favor.  I was able to see the characters and get lost in the acting.  I didn’t see any holes in the cast, and even the small parts in the 2149 world seemed believable and well acted.    

                 The dinos look pretty good.  I really liked the tall, gentle ones.  The slashers seem too “movie monster”, but I suppose that is to be expected.  I would say they look at least as good as Jurassic Park, on a fraction of the budget.  On the other hand, some of the background shots look terrible.  They are CGI greenscreen, but sometimes they look like matte paintings from The Wizard of Oz.   One scene where Jim and the Commander are looking over Terra Nova was particularly distracting.   

They almost always look like this, including the fact that nothing is moving.

 

The two hour-pilot for Terra Nova looks great and the story delivers.  The acting is solid, and they seem to be setting up a world worth visiting.  Check it out Monday nights on Fox.

2 Broke Girls: Can Kat Denning's cleavage save this show?

Right now, that's about all it's got going for it.  She's pretty amazing, the rest of the show blows.  There's a random horse that lives in the New York apartment.  Ugh.  At least the laugh track isn't overwhelming.  I'm going to give it two more episodes. Hey, I dumped Parks and Rec, then came back to it too.  I want this show to succeed, but I don't know how long I can take it.  MyMissy is already done with it. 

I'm willing to give it another try.

Fiction: The Juvins

The Juvins

                Matt Hall turned and looked at me scornfully, “Git outta here Drew, this is a Juvins secret.  Get out of our convo.”

                I slumped to the back of the pack, trying to save face, “Like I give a fuck about your stupid convo anyway.”  Once back there I muttered under my breath, “Cocksucker.”  If he heard me, he ignored it.  This was for the best, as I liked my facial features where they were.

                Reece, another recent exile, said, “Why are you always worried about their secrets?  They’re stupid anyway.”

                “I know,” I replied, “They don’t know shit about shit.  It just pisses me off. There weren’t any secrets last year.”

                “Yeah, but there was no Sara last year.”

Fourth grade began with an explosion of hormones among all the boys in my class.  Primarily caused by the arrival of Sara, a new girl who seemed more exotic and beautiful than the same old girls we had been going to school with for the last three years.   She also could raise one eyebrow, a look that I found hilarious and heart-meltingly cute.  I spent two weeks practicing in the mirror just so I could return the look. 

This shift in interest from spots to girls created a haves and have-nots split among the class of boys.  Matt, Mike, Dave, and Whitey were the cool kids; they knew what a naked girl looked like because they had HBO and inattentive parents, and the rest of us were not.  Those who were “in” started calling themselves Juvin, short for Juvenile Delinquent.  The rest of us were allowed to hang around because they still needed us to fill out football teams and stuff, but we were excluded from all of the dirty talk and jokes that were being told. These were the same kids that I spent the night with since I was 5, and I couldn’t understand why I was being left out. 

Our walk home took us on a white gravel path though a nature preserve.  The path wound through the carefully cultivated “wild” prairie grass and over the nearby creek.  We caught up to the Juvin kids on the bridge.  Matt, the leader of the pack, was staring over the side.

“It’s not that far, just do it,” he was saying to Mikey.

“Shit, dude, my mom’ll kill me if I come home all wet,” he whined.

“Fuck that, I‘ll do it,” Dave said as he climbed though the railing of the bridge.  “See ya suckers!”  He cried as he let go and splashed into the water.

“That was fuckin’ awesome!”  Matt gloated as he climbed outside the rail.  He turned to us, “Only a true Juvin would be able to jump off this bridge!”  He let go and landed with a splash.

I saw my opening and took it.  I didn’t care that I still had on my good school Lees, I didn’t care that I didn’t have anther pair of shoes at home and they’d still be wet tomorrow, I didn’t care that Mom was not working today and she was going to ground me for playing in the creek, I didn’t care that I was ordinarily the chicken of our group, I didn’t even care that my ankle was still weak from where I had sprained it at basketball camp.  I wanted to be Juvin more than I had ever wanted anything. 

I was frequently a step behind the crowd my whole childhood.  But I had hung on to my moderate level of popularity throughout it all, being the last one to get a two wheel bike, not having an Atari when everyone else had one, being afraid to play tackle football because I was smaller than all of my friends, even the fact that I wet the bed until I was 5 so I couldn’t go to sleepovers or camping.  Through all of this I had managed to keep myself in the group.  Being excluded now for no fucking reason was unbearable to me.  I wasn’t going to let this chance pass me by.

As I started to make my way through the crowd to the bridge Reece grabbed my shirt, “No way dude, you just got off crutches.  You can’t.”

I shook him off, “Fuck off pussy, I’m not scared,” I lied.  I didn’t take the time to think about it, even to look down at my landing, I just jumped, never mind the consequences.

And there were no consequences.  I was only an eight foot drop.  I splashed in the water, which was barely knee high.  I didn’t even get my torso wet.

Have you ever seen those old Looney Tunes cartoons where the little dog keeps bouncing around the big dog saying “Are we gonna beat up a cat today Spike?  Are we Spike?  Huh?  Huh?  Are we? And the big dog walks with his nose in the air trying to ignore the little yapping dog?  Well imagine me as the little yapping dog.  “So I’m Juvin now right?  I jumped off the bridge and Hallster said anyone who jumps off the bridge must be Juvin, right? So where we goin’ next?  I gotta go drop off my bookbag and then I’ll meetcha right, guys?  ‘Cause I’m Juvin just like you, right guys?”  They basically ignored me, but I had ‘em. A technicality maybe, but I had ‘em.  I was Juvin.

As I split from my new friends to drop off my schoolwork and pick up my bike the adrenaline faded and I began to realize that I was that dog in the cartoon.  I was disgusted with myself.  I could hear my mother’s voice in my head, “If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you?”  I realized what pathetic loser I was.   I had literally jumped off a bridge because all my friends were doing it.   I went into my room and cried, knowing that no one would ask me tomorrow why I didn’t go find the Juvins that afternoon.  I wouldn’t even have to make up an excuse.

Podcast Review: Holywood Babble-On

I believe that Kevin Smith is one of the great raconteurs working in America today.  I have enjoyed all of his movies (excluding Cop Out, but including Jersey Girl), but have never seen any of them in the theater. Ever since I bought Mallrats, I’ve always waited to buy the DVD because I knew that I would love the commentary tracks on the films even more than the films themselves.  Kevin has also made three amazing DVDs of his Q&As from various speaking gigs.  

So when I first tarted listening to podcasts it was at least in part because I knew that Kevin Smith had one with his friend/producer, Scott Mosier.  I have faithfully listened to all of the Smodcast network podcasts, and am working my way through all of the Smodcast Internet Radio shows.  I’ve enjoyed many of them, but I think my favorite is Hollywood Babble-On with Ralph Garmin. 

All of the HB-O shows are recorded live from the John Lovitz Podcast Theater in Hollywood, and the live atmosphere really adds to the show.   While some of Kevin’s live shows have too much banter with the audience, HB-O seems to have the right mix of drunken laughter and shouting without it ever being too much. 

Kevin’s performance is exactly what you’ve come to expect from him.  If you like dick jokes, stoner jokes, fat jokes, references to anal sex, and the occasional Hollywood insider story, Kev is your man.  If you are easily offended, this podcast is not for you.   The real difference maker here is Garmin.  

I was only familiar with Ralph Garmin from the great faux-reality show, The Joe Schmoe Show.   (Maybe a retro Obsessions review is due for that)  He is also a popular radio personality and brings his own audience to the shows.  They call themselves The Garmy.  He is an impressionist by trade and has several he does throughout the show. His most recurring ones are Al Pacino, Sean Connery, Adam West (TVs Batman), and Ed Wynn.  He has a similar self-depreciating style that plays off of Kevin well.  

The shows have several recurring segments that keep them from meandering the way other Smodcast shows sometimes do.  Each have really funny fanmade audio cues that become a way for the audience to connect from episode to episode.  They start each show by giving shout-outs to people in the audience who have traveled a long way to get there, or are celebrating a special occasion.  Anyone celebrating a birthday or anniversary is encouraged to have anal sex for their special day.  It’s a specific kind of humor, as I mentioned.

The Hollywood news of the week is discussed.  They discuss actors who have passed away that week in a segment titled “Tinseltown Stiffs.” It sounds disrespectful, but actually is usually a fairly touching tribute to under-heralded entertainers “who will be missed.”  Every episode ends with a segment titled “How Big is Liam Neeson’s Cock?”  So named because of a popular Hollywood rumor that he is very well hung.  There is a website where fans write in jokes about the size of Liam Neeson’s cock and Ralph reads the best of them each week.  

  

If you think that joke is funny, Hollywood Babble-On is well worth your hour’s time.  It is free to download at the Hollywood Babble-On page.

The Smartest Thing I've Heard All Month